Life and reflection unfiltered on the internet.

What could possibly go wrong?

180 degrees of What. The. Fuck. ?
It has been a while since I last posted. There are several reasons for this:

Wife({ish}ish?) has completely flipped the fucking script. Just comes to me one day and says she wants to give it a go, breaks it off with the boy toy and has been telling me she loves me everyday since.

This is good news of course, but where the fuck did THAT come from?!?! I can tell you that a hemoglobin level of 7.4 means that you either have a serious internal bleeding issue or your diet seriously needs more iron. I can tell you that you always attach a colostomy bag together BEFORE you attach it to your skin, and that the belt for it works best clipped from underneath. I can tell you that if you are using steroids for an extended amount of time you need to monitor your blood sugar.

Can I tell you a single thing about what goes on in this woman's head or the motivations thereof?

No. Fuck no. No I can motherfucking not. Nearly a decade of marriage and I don't get this chick one fucking bit sometimes.

I'm delighted she wishes to work it out, of course. But how to we even begin to rebuild this shit? Slow is the name of the game as it were, but you can't start all over a decade in. So what parts of the foundation to retain? To discard?

Man I love this woman. This mouthy, infuriating, mental mess of a fucking mindfucking bitch means EVERYTHING to me. I would give her the moon if I could. And as difficult as she can be sometimes, she would deserve it.

Also, got a new dog. And overtime at work.

Everyone have a good day!

An end to Charlie Sheen hours.
I want off this night shift. After a decade of doing it I'm done. Would like a normal sun up to sun down routine now please! Was hired by a home health facility but assignments having been forthcoming yet. There's a few on standby so hopefully they materialize soon.

Then Dracula can have his nights back. :)

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Diarrhea of the brain.
Wednesday, me and the wife(ish) cooked dinner together, moved things around in the kitchen (it looks much better!), and killed three bottles of wine while having an "us" conversation. She didn't have many positive things to say about our prospects, but took every opportunity to leave the door open. The indecisiveness is killer, but I suppose it's part and parcel of the break and space thing. Anyway, I passed out at 3am and was roused 30 minutes later with my wife standing over me wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a message on my phone sent via the basement saying "I need you to fuck me." I had fallen asleep with the lamp in my room on, so I suppose she thought I was still awake. Anyway, we did it. Nice. Missed that. Not in a sexual way completely (though hardly an aside :p) but just some sort of closeness, head full of wine or not.

Wife(ish) rouses me from sleep again at 730 in the morning because she is having what she called "the worst panic attack of her life". She gets these a fair bit, and though I worry for her each time, I love to be the rock she comes to to talk her down and calm her through it. She spent the day resting on the couch and I had to work a half shift that night.

I come home at midnight to dote on her a bit and see how she is holding up. She told me earlier she had invited the dude over to keep her company as she was feeling shit and wanted a distraction. Whatever; I was worried about her and whatever she thinks is best. I found her lying on the couch clutching a sweatshirt of his to her chest. I flipped. Seriously. I was so furious I nearly puked. She claims she just liked the shirt and took it as a gag. She was thoroughly pissed I got mad about it, and stormed off to the basement.

Was I wrong to flip out about it? I mean, I have about a dozen hoodies, I like all of them. I don't sleep with any of them clutched to my chest. If she finds that much comfort in him, loves him and misses him THAT much, then fucking go to him! Don't keep one foot in our lives and one foot in the life you'd rather have. Don't keep me at arm's reach to keep the lights on and the house you like but tell me "stop" "no" and "don't" every time I try to connect with you. It isn't fair, and it isn't how you treat someone.

I just need to get out of her ass for awhile, actually try this space thing. For the good of both our brains.

I just can't bring myself to give up.

Hope everyone is having a good day. :)

Brain Dump!
Been a few days as the weekends are work and child heavy. Went to a Twiztid show in Columbus with the wife(ish). Had a fucking blast! A roadie for Hedpe took a photo of me because he said the lead singer dug my shirt (a Mason's symbol). The wife(ish) got a photo and a hug from him. Hedpe puts on a good live show, and Twiztid didn't disappoint either. The wife(ish) actually held my hand, kissed me a few times and referred to me as her husband to people she talked to. Man we have a blast together sometimes.

Then she proceeded to ignore me for the better part of two days.

Then she got fired from her job Saturday, leaving the financials of the household entirely in my hands.

This is a complication.

If I leave, she is out on the street. She's a big girl and I could give two squirts from a dead cow's udder about that, but then there's my son, who might not take too kindly to me forcing his mother to couch surf until further notice. So now fucking what? I pull some extra night shifts so she can have her boy toy here more nights a week? You have got to be fucking kidding me. What idiot would do THAT?

This one. Holy shit I love that woman. I would have to. I curse my parents and my Irish lineage for the never-give-upness they instilled in me. When I said "forever" at the altar, I meant it. Until the bitter, final, jump off the motorcycle and onto the hand grenade end! (extra bonus points if you can name that movie!)

To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel a little vindicated. She tries to replace me, her husband of 9 years and father to her son, and the best she can do is an emotionally immature unemployed child who lives with his mother? Insulting? Yes. But also vindicating.

She has promised a lunch soon to discuss "us". I pray it is fruitful, one way or another, this life in limbo shit needs to end. I don't want to rush things when there may still be a spark, but I need to either move on and heal, adjust to a different kind of marriage, or begin work on repairing our damaged relationship. This "I don't know what I want!" shit can't fly much longer.

Truly is getting very flirty. We missed our chance last time, and that idea hardly had any romantic undertones, but now she's acting "into me". I'm flattered, but don't really need that right now.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good day. Sorry if this kind of jumped all over the place!

Still no answers.
We just avoid each other. She stays out as late as possible. Barely speak. Force congeniality for the child and the go back to avoiding each other. Invite the other guy over when I work overnight.

How is this suppose to help heal us, or reconnect?

Or is it?

In the words of my English friends: "What the fuck is she playing at?"

Another day in the books.
I'm starting to be less hurt and more pissed off. Maybe that is part of the normal progression of whatever in the hell this situation would be defined as. The empty is starting to be replaced by rigid insult. I don't necessarily like the change. I've never been a vengeful person. It does help with the "space" thing the wife(ish) is asking for, as I can't look at or talk to her without feeling sick or angry right now. I swallow it and force congeniality, but it is there, and it is growing.

Ended up not going out god damnit. Truly was running behind on some things and I didn't want to push it too late into the evening (well, probably early morning by that point) on account of the son, who would have been in the charge of a sitter as the wife(ish) is working the bar tonight.

By the way, the new Deftones record is fucking brilliant! And, since life is fucking cute like that sometimes, White Pony-a Deftones record released over a decade ago- had just been released when I was going through the last major break up in my life. Hey life, whoever you are...very funny and fuck you too!

Also, I cuss a lot. Sorry about that. I really should have said something about that by now.

I wrote the following passage in the book I am writing for my son: "Do not use drugs or alcohol to deal with stress in your life, no matter how devastating. It is very tempting, as they seem to be a quick fix. But they are a novocaine, not a stitch. They numb, they do not heal. Face your adversity with a clear mind. It may hurt more, but it will heal faster and with less scarring." Yeah, working in the healthcare field provides you with a wealth of water for the metaphor well. :p

Author's Note.
I'm quite beat after last night's shift but I wanted to add a small disclaimer to this blog:

I'm usually not a downer, I swear! When my life isn't an absolute shitstorm, I'm actually very easy going and friendly, and I usually do not whine this much. I just started this blog to help deal with this shit so for the time being it will be dominated by posts that make me look like I live my life as a 24 hour Cure record or something. I just want to assure everyone that under normal circumstances, I do not. Thank you, and have a pleasant day. :)

But life right now can go to fucking hell! :p

Interlude and frustration.
We lost a resident at work last night. Sweet old lady, it's sad but I guess she was ready. Dementia ridden mind and nursing home confinement is no way to live. Us staff do what we can for these people in terms of companionship and caring, but with up to 52 people to deal with finding the time for idle bonding is a very difficult task indeed. It's a sad reality, but most of the time just getting our jobs done is a stretch. Rest in peace Ms. DB. I trust you either have bigger problems or no problems now, it's not for me to say. I will miss you.

You never get used to it of course, but when you work in a nursing home, to borrow a tired phrase, death is a way of life.

Minor tiff with the wife today over a miscommunication with picking our son up from school. She swears she told me she was going to pick him up yesterday, I swear I did. Hell, who knows, I've been so scattered and neurotic lately I may have missed what she said. Anyway, it's a gift wrapped reason for her to be shitty to me so that's how it went.

I should just give up. I know it, my brain knows it, my heart alone is the hold out. This situation is absurd. She more than likely spent the afternoon with the other dude as she was gone when I woke up. What the fuck am I thinking? I'm not even sure I'm bothering to think this through at all.

There is no rulebook for this sort of thing I guess. But this life isn't practice, and perhaps I shouldn't be spending it on a lost cause.

"Truly" (insert obvious pseudonym) a friend of mine from work, has discussed going out tomorrow night. Nothing romantic, just two people having a shit time getting out of the house for awhile. Perhaps it's not a bad idea.

I had a CPR refresher class a few days ago. CPR. How fucking appropriate.

Continuation 2.
Spent the evening with the wife, we went out to dinner and then curled up on the couch to watch television and kill a few beers. Except for going to bed in different places, it felt almost normal. I either needed the reassurance that somehow this can work, or REALLY didn't need the hope that it might.

We have just drifted so far from each other. I don't even know how it happened. I suppose no one ever does. She has many demons to battle from our early years, demons I thought were long vanquished. Full disclosure to anyone taking a sympathetic ear to my posts (all NONE of you): I have had an affair myself.

Four years ago, when my wife and son was in England (my spouse's country of origin) sorting out the spousal visa for her legal return to the states, an old girlfriend contacted me. The wife and I were having very serious problems at the time, to the point where she suggested shit canning the whole shebang on more than one occasion. Anyway, said old flame and I spent a few months speaking as strictly platonic acquaintances, I thought mostly just to heal old scars (we didn't end well) and help each other deal with current issues in our lives (she having many problems her self with job/marriage/health). I had no intentions, nor did she. Hell, I suppose most people never do. Anyway, after a few months of contact she came to visit me (she lived quite some distance away). Things happened. The flame stirred and burned for a week or so, enough time for a visit from me to hers, before I realized the horrible mistake I had made.

After some soul-searching conversations with the wife where we decided we really wanted to put things back together and give this marriage a go, I came clean in the interest of full disclosure. If she wanted us to be together, I thought she was entitled to know everything, take it or leave it. She stayed and we rebuilt. The woman in question a ghost of a memory who shall not resurrect and whose name hasn't been used in present tense since my wife returned from England to build a life with me.

I am aware that such scars do not heal easily, and that time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds, but I have learned recently how fresh that scar still is to my wife, and if this whole thing works out, how much work I have to do to prove that I will never give her reason to distrust me again. That her occasional paranoia and insecurity isn't smothering, it's a cry to alleviate a deep wound.

I'm here with every intention to do that. Forever a work in progress.

I still love my wife. Deeply and completely. How fucked up is that? I've been lied to, humiliated, screamed at, told I wasn't good at much of anything pertaining to our relationship, cheated on, and will probably be tossed aside like an old pair of sneakers you don't want to throw out but will only ever be good to wear to mow the lawn or some shit.

I don't care.

I still love my wife. Marrying her was the best thing I ever did. She can keep her boyfriend, I don't give a fuck. I never was the possessive or jealous type.

Just please don't tear this family apart.

That is either the purest form of sincere admiration, or it's just fucking pathetic.


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